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Dec. 23 – Care Bears Nutcracker Suite – A Cartoon Christmas

Ten Powerful and Fearsome Women of the Ancient World

CARE BEARS NUTCRACKER SUITE
Unique Air Date: December 10, 1988

A handful of Care Bears and their stupid cousins seize ass around for what looks like a goddamned eternity

BACKSTORY
When you can consider it, The Care Bears have been launched inside the folds of American Greetings’ playing cards in 1981 with ten bears differentiated by little more than colour and tummy emblem.

Following what was then referred to as “the biggest character launch in the history of retail,” the Care Bears debuted in doll, board recreation, and even cereal type in a mass licensing cope with Kenner, Parker Brothers, and Basic Mills.

The unique theatrical poster for The Care Bears Movie (1985)

Following the success of their first syndicated TV Specials, Care Bears in the Land With out Emotions and The Care Bears Battle the Freeze Machine, The Care Bears acquired its personal movie and TV collection, launched within a month of one another within the spring of 1985.

Oh, you higher belive there was a touring reside show

The Care Bears have been on a high, with the TV show receiving two more seasons, which built-in the plot parts introduced theatrically, resembling The Care Bear Cousins, in two bigscreen sequels. The fourth movie never made it theaters, as an alternative seeing launch on residence video and tv…

Pardon the shortage of Suite-ness

BREAKDOWN
Okay, in the event you’re a Care Bears fan trying to have your reminiscences sugarcoated, you might as nicely flip back now. Critically, hit that again button up there and depart!

You’ll never guess how this opening ties into the special (You’ll)

Care Bears Nutcracker Suite is, to put it calmly, an unwatchable abomination. This thing is fucking excruciating and  needlessly lengthy, and I sincerely advocate no one ever watch it. I’ll even go as far as to go up a Kickstarter marketing campaign to launch its unique destructive to launch into an lively volcano, so that when these DVDs and VHSs wither away, it’ll be justly forgotten about and disappear from the collective consciousness.

Don’t get used to this. Care-A-Lot is on this for like 90 seconds

Perhaps some of you keep in mind what we posted in our Mission Statement: Taking Back Christmas Specials. One in every of our intentions right here at A Cartoon Christmas was to praise and name consideration to a brand new era of Christmas Specials, since not a variety of ’em made after the 1970s get exalted in the identical approach as Rudolph the Purple-Nosed Reindeer or A Charlie Brown Christmas.

Hope you don’t like these characters ’trigger you’ll never see ’em again

Not solely does my era have (what ought to be anyway) modern-day classics worthy of curation, like A Garfield Christmas or Emmet Otter, youngsters of the 80s and 90s acquired many Xmas-themed episodes, Fraggle Rock and Talespin come to thoughts, that deserve to face toe-to-toe with whatever the fuck the most important networks contemplate “Timeless Holiday Entertainment” and thus worthy of airing in households annually.

Click to enlarge panorama

NONE OF THAT applies to Care Bears Nutcracker Suite. This is really insipid horseshit that greater than deserves to stay misplaced to time. Or only loved by probably the most nostalgic among you with a shit ton of pot.

“LOOK AT ALL THE BETTER CHRISTMAS SPECIALS!”

I truthfully consider rubbish like this and The Smurfs, bear the lions-share of duty of why individuals assume they hate cartoons, Christmas Specials, and Cartoons Christmas specials.

“I’ll be standing in for a majority of the characters. RAWR!”

This can be a basic example of not only 80s licensing gone mad, but writing so fucking lazy it enters the realm of cynicism and evil. Each time you see an animated Christmas special parodied- Completely happy Little Elves on The Simpsons comes to mind- this is the type of sickening shit they’re mocking.

I all the time imagined Tenderheart Bear as the original bear different Care Bears have been genetically cloned from

I truthfully can’t consider the individuals behind Care Bears Nutcracker Suite had meant for this hour-long, “feature length” presentation to return to theaters, nevertheless it sheds some mild on why Pixar, and even Dreamworks’ films, are so universally lauded by comparison.

In fact you’d want probably the most cantankerous bear main a mission to save lots of Xmas

Once I take into consideration dragging my mother and father to sickeningly sweet turds like this again once I was a child I truly feel dangerous! Little more than a colourful mind babysitter, which I think about works just the identical on cats, there’s absolutely nothing for even the dumbest adult to latch onto for a second, and crap like this was all up in theaters again once I was rising up.

In a stroke of sensible writing, we begin our particular with an unexplained dimensional portal

In contrast to films like Toy Story and even Sherk, there’s nothing in Care Bears for both youngsters and adults to take pleasure in, and I’ve to assume loads of mother and father would stroll away from a displaying deeply resenting their own youngsters. My Little Pony The Film, Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer, The Smurfs and the Magic Flute… this was a time of saccharine Hallmark strains making there method to theaters.

He all the time falls asleep proper afterward

I really feel like calling my mother and father and apologizing. I keep in mind loving The Care Bears films, Care Bear Cousins, and adjoining TV exhibits as a toddler. And I literally recall dancing in the aisle as a hyperactive youngster throughout Care Bears II.  (Sidenote: That movie show of my youth would later be closed down and transformed into a government enterprise regulatory fee, the place I worked miserably  in a cubicle for a yr right in the spot I formerly danced. Miserable!)

All of the stopping power of a homosexual flashlight

In the event you marvel why Don Bluth movies like American Tail and The Land Before Time– or even wildly dark animated  fare like The Final Unicorn- hit so huge in the theater in the 80s, it’s because the large display was somewhat dominated by fucking Hasbro.

Click to Enlarge

Disney was going via a tough interval (The Black Cauldron, The Nice Mouse Detective) but the movie going public was clearly hungry for theatrical cartoons. The primary Care Bears movie was the first-ever animated movie based mostly instantly on a toy line, and ended up shattering box workplace report, turning into probably the most profitable animated movie made outdoors of Disney.

So… yeah, there’s an much more evil guy

No joke, and the completely repugnant piece of demon shit that is Care Bears Nutcracker Suite was initially destined for theaters before someone realized both A) they’d gotten lucky with the primary crop of dumbass movies, or B) it was fucking horrible.

“This way to more meaningless story details!”

Now, as a former Care Bears fan, I don’t recall feeling any specific fondness for the material. I simply beloved the look of the characters and world. Rooftops shingled with cupcake icing. Flying automobiles. PINK SHIT! I recall taking my first airline flight and being crushed to find that not solely was there no Care-A-Lot, simply trying to face on a cloud was a idiot’s errand.

Cynically sweet

As I’ve said prior to now, I cared a helluva lot less for “Boy Cartoons” and often most popular the hyper-colorful, neon bukkake meant to attraction to women. Give me a Gay Satisfaction flag assemblage of pastel bears firing rainbows out of their dicks and I’m a cheerful boy.

A practice powered by diabetes – GENIUS!

I’m not saying that doing such would’ve made Care Bears Nutcracker Suite any more palatable, however some focus group someplace decided that this Christmas Special/Exiled film should include a tighter all-star forged of only the preferred Care Bears.

This scene, that includes an assault of misfit toys, may’ve been fascinating virtually anyplace else

Understandable, provided that the Care Bears films had launched them to their animal cousins and ballooned the forged to extra fundamental gamers than all five seasons of The Wire. Positive, I’m somewhat upset that they’d throw away the color palette, nevertheless, Nutcrackers “Best of” decisions are much more excruciating.

Nonetheless more travel…

Tenderheart is an apparent selection, as the teams default brown chief, and whom I assumed was the primary bear all the others have been cloned from in some merciless act of science. Funshine Bear… okay, I might’ve most popular Cheer Bear or Good Luck Bear, however no matter. But that fucking elephant. All it ever does is punctuate every silly line stated by others with “And that’s the truth!” I’m assuming the imbeciles compiling focus group knowledge right into a script simply plain combined up the “Elephant never forgets” stereotype with George Washington.

Just DIE already!

You understand, we often have regaled the reader with a number of plot particulars at this point, but I really really feel like I’m doing the world a service by bypassing any of that. It jogs my memory of this occasion in 3rd grade the place my class paired as much as create brief performs and then carry out them reside. Not only did my good friend Ben and I not put together anything in any way, we didn’t even hassle scrambling for a story on the last minute. As an alternative we determined we’d simply improvise one thing.

Completely feelin’ ya, Grumpy…

It went slightly something like this: “Oh, what a lovely day here on Cybertron! What are you doing?” “I built a flying car. Let’s go for a spin!” “Whooooaa! Now, we’re back in time – AH, DINOSAURS!” “Grab a grenade launcher…” After about fifteen minutes, our instructor stood up and shouted “THAT’S ENOUGH!” Care Bears Nutcracker Suite is that play, and I am now my indignant third grade instructor.

Yeah, yeah there’s something in that walnut…

It truly is astounding how little thought went into the writing. Animation is a tough medium to improvise in, however maybe Nelvana might get away with it, since I think about the months of arduous work was being carried out by Koreans abroad who’d be whipped mercilessly should they provide any perception on the script.

SPOILER: That is fucking stupid

I have a unfastened familiarity with the Nutcarcker Suite, and by that I mean I had a bit of sister in ballet and was pressured to endure annual recitals the place I was bored to the point of eager to blow my brains out. There’s a toy soldier, a rat king, and some recognizable music used to transition scenes. However relaxation assured, every little thing else would have Tchaikovsky spinning in his grave so quick he’d bore a gap to the center of the earth. Eat a dick, Care Bears!


There. Is. No. God. However Care-A-Lot is probably what Heaven seemed like in the 80s!


NO! There’s virtually no Vacation imagery outdoors of the very beginning. And because the script definitely feels like it was written at gunpoint, I truthfully do not know why nobody lazily chucked Kringle in. Maybe if the script ever entered a second draft…


Fuck the Care Bears Nutcracker Suite. The only purpose it isn’t getting ZERO balls is as a result of I don’t feel like making one and I already resent each second of my life this particular has sucked from me. It’s a moronically layered story with absurdly apparent conclusions and false begins, that principally sees the candy-colored grizzlies sucked into the a dimension the place there’s a obscure Nutcracker theme and NOTHING HAPPENS. Every part about it’s insulting, especially the ridiculous things it thinks an audience with extra IQ points than Care Bear Cousins might be stunned by. Oh, there are definitely chase sequences, however nothing is ever misplaced or gained so as to create more poorly animated chase sequences and pad its function length runtime. You assume you’ll be able to still absorb a viewing as an ironic curiosity, massive canine?! It’s already the size of three regular episodes, and feels infinitely longer. I swear you wont make it. Nor do you have to. In case I wasn’t clear: I hate this.

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Care Bears The Nutcracker is accessible on it’s personal standalone DVD, with more bonus Xmas options, albeit in an extra updated animated type. In the event you’re overflowing with free time, love crap and are in the mood to betray your personal nostalgia, each episode of Care Bears The Unique Collection is collected on DVD. In fact, we don’t advocate any of those, however you’ll be able to nonetheless buy basic Care Bears plush dolls, which is frankly the place they’re better off…

MUCH BETTER CHRISTMAS SPECIALS!

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